The Newest Jokes

What is the longest word in the English language  
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!”
Submitted by: Kevin Penner

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map   
Maria: This is it   
Teacher: Well done   Now class, who found America  
Class: Maria did   
Submitted by: Kmankoolman

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman   The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky   The Englishman was glad to have a drink 
“Go on,” said the Scot, “have another drink  ”
The Englishman drank gratefully   ”But don’t you want one, too ” he asked the Scotsman   
“Perhaps,” replied the Scotsman, “after the police have gone  ”
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk

A: Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman   
Submitted by: Anonymous

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine 

Officer: You were speeding 
Man: No, I wasn’t 
Officer: Yes, you were   I’m giving you a ticket 
Man: But I wasn’t speeding 
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket  )
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk
Officer: Yes, you would 
Man: What if I just thought that you were
Officer: I can’t give you a ticket for what you think 
Man: Fine, I think you’re a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumor (or gossip)   

  • Telegram
  • Telephone
  • Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle   
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR’S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase “politically correct” and discuss it   

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day 
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat 
If you give a man a fire, he’s warm for a day 
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life   
Submitted by: Anonymous